Platonic.

I'm not girly enough.

Not that I wanted to be a girly girl full time (I do have my moments though) but is like I can't be those girls that go for guys and show their feelings when they're intrested or flirt with them. I only flirt when it doesnt make a difference, I guess. Like Rose, flirt for the sake of flirting.

But when I want something else, when I'm interested, when I want them to like me, I'm frozen. I can't make a move. I can get close, of course, but it's always as the friend. And not necessarily the closest friend. And sometimes I hate being the friend. Didn't I sound like a guy just now?

It's so frustrating, cause when I'm interested I care too much what they think of me. And my not high self steem gets lower. Cause I have to face it: I'm not that interesting. Is not like I'm totally boring, I'm just... blend. Not too pretty, not too nice, not too cool. And not too girly, that gets in the way. Even though I dont have that many guy friends, that are straight, the ones I have, or have had, and the ones I've got smalls, or even huge crushes, tell me their feelings, hook ups with other girls.

And then I feel silly when the jealously or that breaking feeling starts to show up and push it away, cause is so pathetic to even think I could feel that, when he don't even know I like him, and probably thinks I wouldn't ever like him.

I said I never loved a boy, and it's true, cause Ive never had a serious boyfriend, and love to me, is something you have to experience, fulfill. And yes, I've never had that. But i've had big crushes over the years. Two, mainly. These two were the big ones. The first one started when I was really young, and lasted years, and I'll probably always remember. The other lasted long also, though not as much as the first. Both guys do not know that. Not a bit. Well, the first one might've caught me staring at him (how creepy) but I never showed anything on purpose. I'm unable.

I guess maybe it's cause I like platonic. I'm always saying I'd rather love and lose than never love, but I'm afraid that's why I cant love/be loved back. I never let my crushes become concrete. Cause when they're just my fantasy, they're however I want them to be. Perfect, they could be anyway as long as they dont materialize, so I dont make any efforts to make them do. I wouldnt like to lose the ideal, what probabably would happen if I got the real thing, cause things arent ideal, they have flaws. And I tend to imagine things they way the arent. I'm afraid of losing my dreamy perspective. What a stupid coward. I'm not aware of this when I'm doing it, but, well, I do.

Kate Voegele said "I'm still in love with who I wish you were"

Never been in love, but I can relate.

that's why I wouldnt want to meet my idols on dates, only for a quick photo/autograph/hug thing, otherwise it would spoil it.

Im scared of being disappointed, is okay when you havent tried it, but once you have, once you know, there's no going back. After all, ignorance is bliss, ain't it?

Scared of disappointment.

I hate myself for being so afraid.

I guess i'm posting this because Im just realizing that.

And because I can feel its bound to happen again, real soon.

*sighs*

promising year?

Hey there, no one.

It's been forever since last post something.

So, It's been nearly two months since I left my home town. I've been living with my auntie, and taking my senior high school year in a completely different school, with different teachers, different rules, different kids. Yes, it was my choice, I did that cause i hated my fucking teachers so badly it made it hard to get up in the morning. And because I wanted to get into college straight from high school, but I don't see that happenning.

These 60 days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me.

I left my house, and I know now I didnt fully realize what that would mean. I never got along with mum, but I miss her, and I thought me going away would mean our realationship would get better, but nothing changed really. I dont think my brother even notices my abscence. And now I dont see dad anymore, and when I do we dont talk like we used too. I mean, he was never one of those dads you can share your secrets with, or at least i never did. But we had that time, when I would say stupid things and tell him whatever I wanted to or just feel like I have a family. I gave that up sooner than I had too.

Friends. I felt alone, like I left all my friends behind, and them being there, together with each other, they dont miss me like I miss them. I dont think they even realize how much they mean to me. Sometimes I think they may enjoy my company, but they're not really my friends, like I cant count on them. Meybe its because of me, I dont know how to show them they can count on me, but I wish someone would let me know I've someone to rely on, but not just by saying words they dont mean. I wish I was a better friend, Im always wanting people to show they're love to me when I'm unable to be the friend I wish I they were.

I felt lost in the new school like I had to keep myself from being me all the time and blend in, even though now I have a group of people I might call friends, and they're nice and I hope our friendship can evolve, even though next year we'll go separate ways.

I wish I could find love, again, I insist on that, and i wonder if I would even recognize it. Since Im not special, like everyone else, why cant i find someone like me, to be with most of the time? Where are all the weirdos like me? Hiding, behing the same curtains I am? Why dont we all just get out?

I wish I knew where I belonged, everybody has a place, right? Thinking you dont have one is pretentious, like you're so damn fricking special/different.

And I've been studying my butt off, and feeling so damn stupid for not being able to remember anything the next day, and feeling like I will never ever be able to go to college or accomplish anything for either being too lazy, or for not being strong enough, or for not having faith, not holding on to what I want, giving up so easily or for whatever reason.

And I dont have time to relax anymore, or watch movies, series read books, listen to music and do all that stupid stuff that used to be my world! Im alone a lot, but I dont have "me time" anymore.

Truth is I've had nervous breakdowns, cried a lot, A LOT, and I've been feeling like the world I know is slipping throught my fingers and i'm letting it, I cant stop it.

All I said is the oldest story in the book, I'm well aware of that, know im not the first or the last to feel that, and I just wish I dindnt have to be one of them. And I feel even more pathetic for being a story who infringes copyrights. I wish this story had, at least, the certainity movies have, that everything will fall into place.

But I've been wondering WHY THE HELL was I looking forward to this year? Everybody warned me against it. Why did I want so bad to leave things behind? Why did "new" seemed so appealing? Why did I wanna leave? Why did I want to change everything I knew?All is the same, same problems, wherever you go, there's no escape, there's no running away And what were this fucking problems I claimed to have anyway? Why am I always thinking things are wrong when they're not? Why dont I pay attention or try to fix the real issues? These days all I want is to go back in time and stop things there, in 2009. I cant remember why I longed so eagerly for 2010.

Things arent exactly bad now, and I have got to stop complaining, I know. And I have to start changing myself before wanting so much from everybody else. So I dont make sense AT ALL.

I just wish it all was easier, and that I had time to enjoy it.

I wish I wasnt a teenager, guess what, it sucks.

I wish I made more sense, or didnt fail so much to express myself, including this blog.

I wish I stopped wishing.