Believe in the Gift of a Friend.

I miss chatting in classes and playing silly games when we're not supposed to.

I miss staying up til dawn talking about everything with you.

I miss showing up at your house in the middle of the afternoon for food.

I miss fighting with you and getting over it after 10 seconds.

I miss spending over two hours with you on the phone while ironing my hair.

I miss hanging out at the mall in silly outfits when there's nowhere to be.

I miss bothering everyone on school break with our singing.

I miss having someone I can be totally weird around without it being a discomfort.

I miss recording the stupidest (THE STUPIDEST) videos and uploading them on the internet.

I miss teasing you.

I miss watching mcfly videos and freaking out in front of the TV.

I miss how you're always one step ahead of me, like knowing this would be a tough year.

I miss spendng straight days together just babbling and not getting tired of you.

I miss having someone to the tell the dorkiest things that make me happy, but no one really cares.

I miss you.

You're my best friend and I don't care what anyone thinks, cause I know I can tell you anything and rely on you even though sometimes you drive me crazy.

I didnt realize how much I needed you til I dont get to have you everytime I want.

And I wanna get over this sick phase I've been going through, so I can go back to being a better friend.

And weekends are nothing compared to all the moments we had together til last year, and I can't stand to think what it'll be like in university. I don't want us to fall apart.

"The world comes to life

And everything's right

From beginning to end

When you have a friend by your side" (8)

Platonic.

I'm not girly enough.

Not that I wanted to be a girly girl full time (I do have my moments though) but is like I can't be those girls that go for guys and show their feelings when they're intrested or flirt with them. I only flirt when it doesnt make a difference, I guess. Like Rose, flirt for the sake of flirting.

But when I want something else, when I'm interested, when I want them to like me, I'm frozen. I can't make a move. I can get close, of course, but it's always as the friend. And not necessarily the closest friend. And sometimes I hate being the friend. Didn't I sound like a guy just now?

It's so frustrating, cause when I'm interested I care too much what they think of me. And my not high self steem gets lower. Cause I have to face it: I'm not that interesting. Is not like I'm totally boring, I'm just... blend. Not too pretty, not too nice, not too cool. And not too girly, that gets in the way. Even though I dont have that many guy friends, that are straight, the ones I have, or have had, and the ones I've got smalls, or even huge crushes, tell me their feelings, hook ups with other girls.

And then I feel silly when the jealously or that breaking feeling starts to show up and push it away, cause is so pathetic to even think I could feel that, when he don't even know I like him, and probably thinks I wouldn't ever like him.

I said I never loved a boy, and it's true, cause Ive never had a serious boyfriend, and love to me, is something you have to experience, fulfill. And yes, I've never had that. But i've had big crushes over the years. Two, mainly. These two were the big ones. The first one started when I was really young, and lasted years, and I'll probably always remember. The other lasted long also, though not as much as the first. Both guys do not know that. Not a bit. Well, the first one might've caught me staring at him (how creepy) but I never showed anything on purpose. I'm unable.

I guess maybe it's cause I like platonic. I'm always saying I'd rather love and lose than never love, but I'm afraid that's why I cant love/be loved back. I never let my crushes become concrete. Cause when they're just my fantasy, they're however I want them to be. Perfect, they could be anyway as long as they dont materialize, so I dont make any efforts to make them do. I wouldnt like to lose the ideal, what probabably would happen if I got the real thing, cause things arent ideal, they have flaws. And I tend to imagine things they way the arent. I'm afraid of losing my dreamy perspective. What a stupid coward. I'm not aware of this when I'm doing it, but, well, I do.

Kate Voegele said "I'm still in love with who I wish you were"

Never been in love, but I can relate.

that's why I wouldnt want to meet my idols on dates, only for a quick photo/autograph/hug thing, otherwise it would spoil it.

Im scared of being disappointed, is okay when you havent tried it, but once you have, once you know, there's no going back. After all, ignorance is bliss, ain't it?

Scared of disappointment.

I hate myself for being so afraid.

I guess i'm posting this because Im just realizing that.

And because I can feel its bound to happen again, real soon.

*sighs*

promising year?

Hey there, no one.

It's been forever since last post something.

So, It's been nearly two months since I left my home town. I've been living with my auntie, and taking my senior high school year in a completely different school, with different teachers, different rules, different kids. Yes, it was my choice, I did that cause i hated my fucking teachers so badly it made it hard to get up in the morning. And because I wanted to get into college straight from high school, but I don't see that happenning.

These 60 days have been a roller coaster of emotions for me.

I left my house, and I know now I didnt fully realize what that would mean. I never got along with mum, but I miss her, and I thought me going away would mean our realationship would get better, but nothing changed really. I dont think my brother even notices my abscence. And now I dont see dad anymore, and when I do we dont talk like we used too. I mean, he was never one of those dads you can share your secrets with, or at least i never did. But we had that time, when I would say stupid things and tell him whatever I wanted to or just feel like I have a family. I gave that up sooner than I had too.

Friends. I felt alone, like I left all my friends behind, and them being there, together with each other, they dont miss me like I miss them. I dont think they even realize how much they mean to me. Sometimes I think they may enjoy my company, but they're not really my friends, like I cant count on them. Meybe its because of me, I dont know how to show them they can count on me, but I wish someone would let me know I've someone to rely on, but not just by saying words they dont mean. I wish I was a better friend, Im always wanting people to show they're love to me when I'm unable to be the friend I wish I they were.

I felt lost in the new school like I had to keep myself from being me all the time and blend in, even though now I have a group of people I might call friends, and they're nice and I hope our friendship can evolve, even though next year we'll go separate ways.

I wish I could find love, again, I insist on that, and i wonder if I would even recognize it. Since Im not special, like everyone else, why cant i find someone like me, to be with most of the time? Where are all the weirdos like me? Hiding, behing the same curtains I am? Why dont we all just get out?

I wish I knew where I belonged, everybody has a place, right? Thinking you dont have one is pretentious, like you're so damn fricking special/different.

And I've been studying my butt off, and feeling so damn stupid for not being able to remember anything the next day, and feeling like I will never ever be able to go to college or accomplish anything for either being too lazy, or for not being strong enough, or for not having faith, not holding on to what I want, giving up so easily or for whatever reason.

And I dont have time to relax anymore, or watch movies, series read books, listen to music and do all that stupid stuff that used to be my world! Im alone a lot, but I dont have "me time" anymore.

Truth is I've had nervous breakdowns, cried a lot, A LOT, and I've been feeling like the world I know is slipping throught my fingers and i'm letting it, I cant stop it.

All I said is the oldest story in the book, I'm well aware of that, know im not the first or the last to feel that, and I just wish I dindnt have to be one of them. And I feel even more pathetic for being a story who infringes copyrights. I wish this story had, at least, the certainity movies have, that everything will fall into place.

But I've been wondering WHY THE HELL was I looking forward to this year? Everybody warned me against it. Why did I want so bad to leave things behind? Why did "new" seemed so appealing? Why did I wanna leave? Why did I want to change everything I knew?All is the same, same problems, wherever you go, there's no escape, there's no running away And what were this fucking problems I claimed to have anyway? Why am I always thinking things are wrong when they're not? Why dont I pay attention or try to fix the real issues? These days all I want is to go back in time and stop things there, in 2009. I cant remember why I longed so eagerly for 2010.

Things arent exactly bad now, and I have got to stop complaining, I know. And I have to start changing myself before wanting so much from everybody else. So I dont make sense AT ALL.

I just wish it all was easier, and that I had time to enjoy it.

I wish I wasnt a teenager, guess what, it sucks.

I wish I made more sense, or didnt fail so much to express myself, including this blog.

I wish I stopped wishing.

To Be Or Not To Be?

Hey Guys!

So, it wasn't long ago when I thought this was a stupid question. "To be or not to be" I mean, who wonders that?

But then I started to think it is something we should ask ourselves. See, I've got this friend who's been annoying me for a pretty good time now. She wants to prove to the world that she's simple and humble and not shallow and focused in her studies. Then you think: what's wrong with that? nothing, I'd say. When this does not become an obssesion with being perfect and showing the world that she's not just another futile girl.

I mean, is like everything we say she's on defense. She just focus way too much energy on what she should not be than on what she is. She can't have a cellphone, she can't have two shoes, more than two colours of pen in her case, she can't kiss, go to parties. what's that about? And she's not one of those girls who don't want it, who don't think about it, she just feels she can't have it or she'd be tagged like one more in this material world. Gosh, is so annoying.

So while she's out there in the world, not being and studying only, she starts to wonder why the hell she's so lonely. And then she starts to make a victim of herself. I just can't be around her anymore. She pushed me away.

Well, aside from everything about her that's been irritating me lately, I should give her the advice: leave you be! Be girl, be! Don't waste your time not being. It only shows you do care, in fact, you care way too much.

Worth It

Hey guys.
So I've been wondering, how love is a funny thing. I mean, people spend their lives looking for it and wanting it, and sometimes, it lasts for a lifetime, and sometimes it doesn't last at all.

I have never been in love, but I've read about it, and heard songs, and watched movies, and listend to people telling me stories about it. Some stories are sweet and simple, but people seem to embrace the stories where love is everything, and one gets so attached to the person one loves, that soon they're everything, and one just cannot seem to find a reason for living without this person. The person loved is the air one breathes.

Why couldn't it all be those simple couples like we see in movies, the ones that are not the main, the ones aside, that stick together til the end? Why are we so attracted to that other couple, the dramatic one, the one that for some reason cannot be together? The complicated couple. I'm including myself in that, sometimes I get attached to that kind of love, to that kind of power.

Now, I may have never been in love, and I don't know if someone was ever in love with me. Which scares me, cause I wanna be. I wanna find love. Those stories I was told, seem so intense, and I want so badly to experience what is like to feel like someone is my everything. I want that. I want to experience what is like to not be able to think about anything else, and miss them every second, and nothing else matters, and feel like I'd give up anything for them,and feel like life would lose its meaning if I ever lost them. I want to feel that kind of power on me. And I'm aware this is dangerous, and I might be broken, and that it might take a long time for me to get over and move on, but in the end, I just think all of it will be worth it. It'll leave me with the most incredible memories, that I'll probably take to my grave. Crazy?

I wanna experince being in love! And i think I'm even more scared of never finding love than I'm am of finding and losing it. If I find it and it lasts forever, great. What could be better?
And if I find it and lose it, and manage to move on, maybe in the end I can end up finding that other love, the one that's simple and unexpected.

Not like Edward and Bella, or Jesse and Suze, but like Monica and Chandler.

If I'm not making any sense to you... well that's just me. Crazy and weird as hell.

Speak Up

Hey guys!

So, this is my first post, and what I want to say is speak up, raise your voice.

I'm so tired of being silenced. Maybe that's a part of why I created this blog.I want to express myself without being judged and labed and misread all the time

The world keeps trying to shut us up more and more each day, and it's making me want to get locked in my room, turn on the radio, and scream loud. And then run, as far and fast as I can. Pretty fucked up, huh?

But what I mean is, we shouldn't give up on being ourselves so someone will like us, so we can get in on a clique from school, or so we won't disappoint someone we love. It's hard, no one wants to be alone. But the more you keep pretending you're someone you're not, the further you get from who you really are. And that's horrible.

Everybody likes to feel loved, but trust me, that feeling is so much better when you know that love was meant for you, for who you are. The one's who really care about you, will accept you for you, will love you for you. And that's the love you should want.

Like Dr Seuss said "Be who you are and say how you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."

Change is good, but if it will make you a better person somehow, if it will make you feel better about yourself. Don't change who you are cause of somebody else, you'll get lost in the end.

And remember: do what you're good at, everybody's good at something, appreciate your own talents and ideas. And let it out, speak up! Remember, if you're being censored, is cause your idea's worth something.

It's time to shout at the world, cause we're here, we're alive.

And maybe we want to stand out, but maybe we just want to be part of the mob. Either way, I hope each one of us get to be who we wanna be, who we are.

SCREAM LOUD AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS!

ps: did that made sense to anybody?